My husband, who has retired while I still hold a good job, drinks a lot of alcohol everyday and loses his temper. He tends to say very hurtful things to me when intoxicated but claims to remember nothing the morning after. How do I deal with the situation?
- Wife-in-Distress
Dear Wife,
It's likely that your husband has a serious drinking problem if he can't remember what happened while he was inebriated. Also, given that his behaviour while drunk is disagreeable, it would be wise to consult a psychiatrist or drug counsellor as soon as possible to advise you on how to get your husband into treatment.
I get frightened and dizzy when I enter tall buildings. This is getting problematic because I'm unable to visit malls and other such places. How do I overcome my fear?
- Dizzy
Dear Dizzy,
You have acrophobia, a fear of heights. Hypnotherapy is the quickest way of overcoming a phobia. However, if you want to overcome this yourself, you could do this by exposing yourself to gradually in creasing heights. Start with a height a little higher than you are comfortable with. Wait till you become comfortable at this height; then move to a greater height. Over a few months, you could overcome your fear of heights.
I'm worried for my younger 19-year-old brother. He insists on having his way, even getting violent, and often threatens to leave home since he's bored. His weight has fallen drastically in the last six months. I'm afraid there's something bothering him, but he gets angry if we try to discuss this with him. I'd like to help him. What should I do?
- Concerned Sis
Dear Concerned,
There may be a psychiatric disorder. It would be best for your parents to consult a psychiatrist for advice on how to help your brother.
My husband of two years makes me feel worthless. He compares me with other family members and makes fun of my mistakes publicly. When I tell him how it hurts, he brushes it off saying it's all in jest. I wish he'd take me seriously.
- Compared
Dear Compared,
Dr John Gottman, PhD, one of the world's leading researchers on marriage, has found that four behaviours-criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling-are most predictive of marital disharmony and divorce. You may be experiencing at least three of them.
As the first step I recommend you get your husband to read about this. E-mail quest@psymind.com for more information. Following this, if he agrees, both of you could read Dr Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. If his behaviour still does not improve, consult a marriage therapist. Don't make the mistake of letting him bully you by refusing therapy.
I love wearing trendy clothes that make me look cool but my mother wants me to keep away from anything skimpy and look more modest and simple. So while my cousins look fashionable, all I have are boring clothes. How can I make my mother change her mind?
- Modern Girl
Dear Modern,
Unfortunately, "cool" has become a driving force in marketing to day. Often the need to be cool arises from inner feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem that pushes one to do things to fit into a group. You can meet a therapist to see if this is the case, or to help mediate with your mother. Remember: once you're older and independent, you could dress the way you like. In the meanwhile, you can talk to your parents and see if you can find a middle path.
I've studied Engineering but I'm unable to decide whether I should take up an industrial job, teaching, or become a bureaucrat. My interests keep changing and it's difficult to know what suits me. Is there an answer?
- Seeking Direction
Dear, Seeking,
You could see a counsellor, although ultimately you need to make up your own mind. If making decisions is a problem for you, a good therapist may be able to help you become more decisive.
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